its just a little fun

clutching, pressing, silent, grasping, moaning, groaning, crying, clenching his hand, pain, screaming, louder, pushing, gasping...and out comes, a baby boy. now what were you thinking? :)

remaining days

i know I've only lived for 23 years thus far, but this brief time spent on this planet has taught me plenty. The one thing I've always struggled with is expressing how i feel. I can't articulate, or put it in a way that will truly make the other understand what i'm thinking or feeling. Maybe it's called pride, but if i dig deeper, i would pinpoint it to fear of rejection or fear of being laughed at. Or maybe just the pride.

As i grew up, people around me grew too. They got into relationships, got out of em, got married, had kids, got jobs, got into drugs, got into the music scene and some of them...died. An old school friend, Rajan passed away a few years back in a car accident. I wasn't his close friend at high school, but we were buddies. Until after high school, when we all added each other in FB and had this crazy notion that we are all still friends. We're so wrapped up in this security blanket that being "friends" with people means they won't go away, that they are invincible and more importantly, that they will always, always be there.

When Rajan passed away, the only thing that came to my mind was, why didn't i ever keep in touch with him. Why didn't I get the chance to say goodbye. The fault is mine though, I DIDN'T "create the chance" to talk to him. I thought people lived forever on FB.

So credo from now on, is to try, try to let people know how i feel. It won't hurt as much saying "I'm sorry", "I truly appreciate you", "I care for you" and all those who haven't called your dad and said "I love you", than hurting by NOT saying a thing. Coz if i ever missed that boat again, I'd be sorry for the rest of my remaining days.

criteria for relationships

a) Low expectations- just mark the punchcard every morning, afternoon and night. nothing more needed. dont hang on the phone saying sweet nothings.

b) Low needs- dont want to hang out with u ALL the time. need personal space, loads of it, less time with you and only to fill basic needs

c) Be an accessory-understand that you're a handbag to show my friends and family at all major occasions like weddings, reunions, double dates.

d) Be a beanbag- listen to my problems and hear my rants out but DO NOT interfere in my life!

e) Be a homie- when you do spend precious moments together, watch TV, eat pizza and play vid games. Forget romantic dinners and concerts and bla bla bla

f) Leave it at home- all displays of affection at home. dont hold my hands in public..ewwwwh!

g) Good kisser- practice if u aren't perfect. i don't want ur saliva all over me.

h) NON VEG.- there will be flesh of the livestock served from my kitchen! Live with it, eat it!

i) Hang in there- don't bring up wedding bells till we're 50 and its necessary for continual living. otherwise, lets just stay friends in love (if you can call it love)

tada!!

P.S: unrealistic, but ultimately what i want.

homegirl

who is she? She is the girl that never says no. She doesn't know how to without hurting someone's feelings. She doesn't like to cause a scene, so she doesn't refuse in public. She is the girl everyone feels comfortable talking their problems to. When it comes to relationships with their girlfriends, guys find homegirl the BEST person to listen to their whining and moaning. Not just guys, girls too. When homegirl gives them advice in return, it's NEVER taken, rather thrown back in her face when things are going good for them. Homegirl never gets asked how she is doing. That is sort of her own fault. She probably squirms in discomfort thinking of the unease she might cause the other person talking about her own problems. Or think it selfish or that the other person may have something better to do. Homegirls is blind to the fact that she gets taken advantage of. She'd rather believe that the person is nice than evil at first and continual encounter. She is quick to forgive, making her stupid for forgetting that someone has previously hurt her in precisely that fashion. Homegirl tries her hardest not to be rude back at you, even if she hates your guts and all that you represent. But don't underestimate homegirl, she has a strength to her that might surprise you. She might wall herself off or ask you to get your fat ass off her life. She might ask you to hold her handbag while she throws up what she thinks of you on your face! So don't take her for granted. Coz' one day, she will cease to be homegirl and become THE girl.

Ctrl + Alt + Del

there is an observation I find to be extremely true is that all girls control their boyfriends. Now, don't deny it, I've been there too. It could be a bad or good thing they do that exacts OUR discretion to limit. Whether it's smoking, drinking, playing video games, working out at the gym, futsal, skipping classes, overworking...all these activities need the control of a girl. It's in her she's-always-right genes.

That's when they either "alternate" or "delete" us :P

the story of david walters

He opened his eyes, head spinning around like the Ferris wheel in a circus and thought, heaven.

"You look great in white, God,"said David, managing the most flirtatious side grin he could in his condition, whatever it was. "That coat makes you look super hot."

Dr. Audrey ignored him and continued pressing her stethoscope along his left mid sternum. Lifting it off, she said "Your heartbeat and pulse is steady....," she referred to the chart that she carried on her left arm, "...David Walters."

"Exactly where am I and what happened to me?"He tried to sit up but Dr. Audrey protested by gently pushing his shoulders back. She went to the edge of the bed and cranked up the headrest. The gentle push of the headrest made him realize how very sore his body was.

He looked in front of him but all he could make out was his left hand was infused and connected to a pole on the left of his bed with a clear tube running to and fro. Waist down, he was covered in the pasty coloured sheets that he recognized as belonging to a hospital. Now, he felt a little panicky and the jesting mood he was in evaporated.

"What happened?" he repeated with alot more urgency.

Dr. Audrey looked at him with the blank stare he remembered seeing in Grey's Anatomy when they had to break bad news to a patient. She was attractive, all brunette, grey eyes and a sweet smile. Now she wasn't smiling though.

"You're lucky to be alive, Mr. Walters. You were hit by a passing car, and, you lost consciousness. The driver sent you here. But..," her voice trailed off sadly and her eyes ran over where his legs were tucked in under the hospital sheets. Or were supposed to be.

"Oh my God, no. Oh my God, no!!" David exhaled like he just came up from nearly drowning in a lake. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears. This was horrible! He closed his eyes and whispered a prayer, then tore the sheets apart with as much strength as he could muster.

Two brown legs, a little pale, stuck out from his hospital gown on the bed, both very much there. He looked at Dr. Audrey disbelievingly, then back to his legs. Very gingerly, he wiggled his toes and...it wiggled! He bend his legs as slowly as he could, and they both followed, painful but obedient.

"Hah!" Dr. Audrey exploded, then laughed her head off! "You should have seen your face!" She wiped a tear from an eye. "That was for hitting on me."

David sat back in utter disbelief. Then smiled slowly, and with the return of some spirit, said,

"I could totally sue you for distress that you know."

Dr. Audrey stopped laughing and looked back at him with amusement in her eyes, "I could counter sue you, for harassment."

"I guess there is only one way to solve this."

"Oh yeah, what would that be?"

"You could take me out to dinner."

"Is this your way of asking me out?" She smiled.

"Yeah." David smiled back and then looked confused again, "What did you say my name was again doc?"

i have...erm...had a plan!

Who at 23 is still in doubt about their future plans? I hope there are more people out there other than myself who are equally lost in the clouds of the present. After all, misery loves company...

A year back, ask me who i wanted to be and i would tell you with no hesitation. There was a plan. There was a well-planned plan complete with sticky notes and highlighted paragraphs. I was going to save the world, all on my own. I was going to conquer the unknown and NOTHING woulds stop me! And now, a year later, i'm all jaded and washed out. All my plans have faded into the memory of a dying passion.

As I was desperately pouring out all this frustration to a very smart friend of mine *ehem*, she shot me back an important question, "Forget the five-year plan. Where do you see yourself, at say...30?" That was a fair question, but it was the five year plan question dressed differently. I truly cannot say that i want to be a career woman with no time in the world, or the woman that has decided to slow down to give a shot at having a family or the woman who has given up everything to do what she truly loves. I want to be all of them, i want to be none.

The truth is, I don't know. And is it wrong to have no plan? Not really, it isn't. I truly do admire people who can, without a doubt say, "This is what i want to do for the rest of my life," or "These are the curtains that are going to go with the walls in the dining room in my future home." Or something along those lines. Life seems so much more structured, more directional when you have a plan. But where is the fun in that?

So for now, maybe no five year plan. Not even an after-i-graduate plan. Maybe just a five minute plan? To clean my room, perhaps?

To sum this up, i will paraphrase my very smart friend, something that is from my heart as well, something i have a plan to do! "They say that this world is going to end soon. I don't know how or when, but God, let me have a chance at changing this world."